The joys of having both an anonymous blog and a public blog are that when you post on the anonymous blog it's an automatic clue that it's gonna be the stuff I don't want certain people to see. I miss the days of complete and total anonymity, though, because then I was free to write ABSOLUTELY anything I felt with not a single thought for who would think what or why. But alas, whatevs.
So this last Sunday I went home for dinner with my parents and two younger sisters, as I do each Sunday. I was feeling sick, so I took a little nap. I awoke from my nap to find that everyone had let except for one of my sisters, who was also sleeping, and my mom, who was sitting at the computer next to me. After I woke up she asked me what I believe, and thus ensued a difficult conversation. There's one part in particular that I want to talk about. She said that now that I disagree with the church on so many fundamental issues, she feels like we can't have as close of a connection and that there is something missing in our relationship. At first I was like "yeah...that sucks." But then I started thinking about it, and I got kind of frustrated.
Because Mormonism often replaces relationships, I think. Instead of knowing about what was actually the deepest concerns of my heart, my parents for years were most concerned with whether or not I was reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and paying my tithing. I know that this came from genuine love based on their understanding of the world, but I can't help but feeling that all of those church things were a giant red herring that kept them from loving me. And now that I'm finally outside of my gay doubter's closet and the devout son they always knew is gone, I feel like they don't know how to have a real-person relationship with me. Because all of their relationships are framed around the church.
And what I guess that means is that I should be patient and have empathy. But it does get frustrating, too.
