More than anything, these poems capture moments. The moments and the feelings they capture are diverse, and often contradictory. But part of the beauty of living is, to me, that life's complexity allows for a degree of paradox that is both perplexing and wonderful.
Onward and Upward:
A poetic exploration
of reconciling sexuality and faith
1.
Twisting, turning, ever burning
Deepest, darkest pain—
Quickly learning of a yearning
That is driving me insane
For deep within this heart of mine
A Rubicon of blood
Mixes sorrow’s tears with sand
To make the blackest mud
And in my heart and in my mind
The Weary Traveler will find
This curse I long to leave behind
That leaves me lonesome, lost, and blind
Ever wishing to rewind
To nights in which I never cried
And days where hope was by my side
But twisting, turning, ever burning
In the deepest parts of me,
A secret Scarlet Letter lies
That only I can see.
2.
Dismal thoughts are dancing now,
Spinning through my mind
And from their ambiguity
I cannot solace find
In the wishings of my heart
I do not want to want
This thing, this sickly awful thing—
Eternal, evil haunt.
Desire is the root of pain,
So many of them say
Two desires conflicting now—
I want them blown away
In nothingness alone I’ll find
The respite that this broken mind
Is needing to escape the bind
Of wanting wanting left behind
3.
A Dialogue
Defeat and I are face to face
And gone are thoughts of love and grace
For why would one who felt my pain
Give such sorrow now in vain?
And why would He who bore the cross
Fill my life with so much dross?
Alone am I, and will remain
Alone in needless, useless pain.
Alone.
That word I know too well—
That
simple word, defined as Hell.
And as
the ages pass you by
They both
remain the greatest lie.
For
never has a tear been shed
Nor
hearts of men conceived of dread
That
I’ve not been there, side by side
And
shared in every tear that’s cried
No one sees me in the night
And shares with me the bitter fright
That even in tomorrow’s dawn
My hopes and dreams might still be gone
And no one hears my empty cry—
Still echoing without reply—
My silent pleas for one with care
For all that I am called to bear.
If you
had ears to hear my song,
You’d
hear it sounding loud and long—
For I
still sing redeeming love
To all
who turn their ears above
An had
you eyes to see that night
You’d
see me there in all my might,
Clothed
in robes of lasting grace
For all
who turn to see my face.
Bitter I have come to be
That all who ever look at me
Will only see a writhing mess
Who hates the world and wants redress
For all the wrongs they’ve ever done
And what they’ve caused me to become,
And in my mind they sound so clear—
Apologies I’ll never hear.
Hush my
child;
Be at
peace,
And know
that I’ve not lied
Be
still, my son;
Feel my
hope
For I am
at thy side.
A broken man, I’ve come to be
But now in Thee I’ve come to se
That tears, and cries, and anguish, too
Are lost within Thy endless view
And eyes, to me, have come tonight:
I’ve seen Thy everlasting might
And ears I’ve turned, at last, above
And heard of thy Redeeming Love.
4.
The moon’s white light
Is shining bright
Upon this dark and peaceful night
And in the sky
The stars pass by
And twinkle gently as they fly;
And in my mind
I cannot find
The things I longed to leave behind—
Taking hold,
The bitter cold
Replaces doubts and pains so old,
Leaving there
A thoughtful air
With no more room for my despair
And now the breeze
Steals all my pleas
And echoes softly through the trees
Satisfied
And not denied
I know that He has now replied
To all the nights
With inner fights—
My endless, awful, painful plights
5.
Secret, hidden paradox
Longing to be free
Doomed to dwell in darkness
Only seen by me
Every cry, in silence
Heard only by my ears
Every empty, longing pain
Met only by my tears
Beast of my own burden,
Will it ever let me be?
Or will this land of loneliness
Be all I ever see?
Is there no cure within the world
To end this aching pain?
Or will the endless heartache
Keep me bound within its chain?
There is no balm in Gilead
There is no earthly way
To take away my sorrow,
Nor ransom needed, pay
I’ll cast on Him my burden,
Only then will I be free
To leave this land of loneliness,
Escape captivity
For every cry in silence,
Resounds within His ears
And every empty, longing pain
Is lost within His tears.
Secret, hidden paradox
Longing to be free
Doomed to dwell in darkness?
I know that He can see
6.
Upon this earth I was alone
With nowhere here to call my home,
A pilgrim, stranger in this place
With naught but trials and woe to face—
But as in Adam all men died,
So in Christ I’ve come alive
And now, oh Death, where is thy sting?
And now, oh Grave, what can you bring?
For life, nor death,
Nor height, nor depth,
Nor angels, powers, nor might
Can separate me from His love,
Nor everlasting light
Not famine, sword, nor nakedness
Distress, nor calumny—
Within His love I’ll conquer all
And find serenity.
I’m not ashamed of God’s good news
That through His son I cannot loose
His blood was shed, this sinner saved
And on His palms, my pains engraved
And through His life I’ll find my way,
Though earth and heaven pass away
I’ll do all things and ever be
Alive in Christ, which strengthens me
And life nor death,
Nor height nor depth,
Nor angels, powers, nor might
Will separate me from his love,
Nor everlasting light
Not famine, sword, nor nakedness,
Distress, nor calumny—
Within His love I’ll conquer all
And find serenity.
And in that last and final day
When all return who’ve gone astray
And look into His eyes of love
And feel the hope for them above
All knees shall bow and tongues confess
They’ll right all wrongs and sins redress
And long at last, I’ll need not roam
For in His love, I’ll have my home.
And life, nor death,
Nor height, nor depth,
Nor angels, powers, nor might,
Have separated from His love,
Nor everlasting life
Not famine, sword, nor nakedness
Distress, nor calumny
For in His love, I’ve conquered all
And found my victory.
7.
Shafts of dusty, brilliant light
Replace the dismal dark of night,
Giving me, at last, the sight
Needed to escape this plight.
The frozen roots of giant trees
Are softly melting in the breeze
And I, remaining on my knees,
Know that He has heard my pleas.
Yet even now, and in this state
I know that time is growing late—
Hope does not replace my fate
Nor future fear eliminate.
For though in sunrise sets the night
And springtime ends cold winter’s plight
Darkness will return again,
And faith remain my only sight.
8.
I try not to indulge,
In these thoughts.
Of me, of you—
Of togetherness.
These wonderful, beautiful thoughts
Of your laughter,
Your hair,
Your eyes
Of how you make me feel.
Because every time I think them,
I remember
The quagmire of my jubilee.
9.
This moment.
Right here, right now
Sitting on this wooden chair,
Glazed yellow-orange with
Grey, bleak upholstery,
In the atrium of an emptying building
At the conjunction of the hall and the stairs.
The sun is setting, and artificial light is
Taking its place.
I’m waiting.
Waiting for something.
Or someone,
Or someplace other than the
Here
And the
Now.
The trees cast dark shadows outside the windows of
This white-washed place.
The modern art and architecture leave so much to be desired.
Waiting for a substance to enter this void.
Something other than tangents,
Than endless paths,
Than ceaseless dreams.
I’m waiting for the Thing Itself.
When all the poems have been written
When all the books have been read,
When all the paintings have been painted,
When all the sculptures have been sculpted,
When all the buildings have been built,
When all the wars have been fought
When all the travesties have been committed,
When all the unmentionable horrors of humanity have
Long at last been uncovered, then,
Then will it come?
Or will I forever be sitting here
On this yellow-orange chair
With its hideous upholstery
In the white-washed atrium
Of a useless building
At the conjunction of the stairs and the hall,
Staring at the modern art,
Chasing shapes in a void of my own imagination
By writing a shapeless poem
A reasonless message
Of the nothing
That has descended in my life?
10.
Knowing that wanting brings nothing but pain
And knowing I’m thinking these thoughts all in vain—
Knowing that I’ve only reason for joy
And knowing the root of my misery’s ploy—
Yet here I am now and seem to remain
Lost in my vanity, lost in my pain.
11.
Her coat is on backwards.
His hair is green.
They’re holding hands.
Me?
I’m writing a poem.
12.
And suddenly I’m there,
Transported to that moment
And that time
When the air itself breathed of relaxation.
My bare feet were perched on that large, grey stone
Feeling and soaking in its hard coolness.
The water of the stream washed around.
A field of smooth rocks,
And we,
We few,
We were in that moment;
We were in that place.
Our talking,
Our laughing,
We were that moment.
And the beautiful, blue sky
And white, billowing clouds
And the trees filled with green leaves
And the chirping birds,
The hills,
The mountains,
The song of a cool summer’s breeze
Whistling through the woods
Was all a background,
A setting
To the story of our lives that unfolded
In that time and place.
And the gurgling of the water,
And the cold, hard feel of the stone against my feet
Were given meaning by our meaning—
We, beings of meaning.
And ever since,
That was a beautiful moment.
13.
When I close my eyes
I can see your smile,
And I can hear the light sound
Of your laughter.
And time and space can no longer separate me from
Those moments,
Those precious moments
When we understood each other—
The discovery of a friend.
And when I look into the mirror,
I see your eyes
In mine.
And as I search deep within my heart,
I find you there.
Time and space,
Distance and forgetfulness,
They cannot separate me from who I am.
And I am that day we spent in the park;
I am our conversations of love;
I am the late nights we spent pondering the meaningfulness
of existence;
I am what you have made me.
And for that,
We cannot be apart.
As I close my eyes,
I see your smile.
As I listen,
I hear your laughter.
And when I pause
To recollect the story of my own being,
I find us inseparable.
14.
Of the flesh I had a thorn
That gave me grief and cause to mourn
And brought me sorrow, led to scorn,
Until of Thee I had been born.
And yet at first I came to find
That though I tried with all my mind
My soul and heart still had the bind
That kept them so long dark and blind.
And so to Thee I then implored
To take away that awful cord
That bound me from Thy joy, oh Lord,
And showed to me whom I adored.
For though my soul to Thee was bound,
Looking inward I soon found
The one whom I had truly crowned
And giv’n all halleluhah’s sound.
And all my pains and praise shall be
Forevermore and now to Thee
For I have found the misery
Of giving all my love to me.
15.
I always doubted;
I always questioned;
I never wanted things to be the way they were.
I always wondered,
Why?
How?
How could Love inflict this upon me?
How could such trials as these ever be for my benefit
Or for my good?
But now,
I seem to see—
At least a little bit.
I seem to see your Purposes
And your Ways,
Even if just in glimpses and moments
And now I finally see
Why,
How.
How Love Himself could give me such challenges.
And now I see that your name is the reason—
Love, Eternal, Everlasting, Lamb, Prince,
Advocate.
You loved me too much to let me stay the way I was.
You loved me too much for me to dwell eternally in self.
And so you sent me Pain,
So that I could become like Thee—
Awake.
16.
You’ve searched for me.
In heart and mind
In joy and pain
In love and sorrow,
You’ve searched for me.
I’m not a long way off,
My son.
I know you’re weak;
I know you need Me;
I know.
No one knows more than Me.
So keep searching.
Trust Me.
Love Me.
Find Me.
Draw near unto Me
And I shall draw near unto you.
Seek, and you shall find.
Knock, and I shall answer,
As all fathers do.
17.
The peaceful rising of the morning sun,
Yellow rays of light bursting
From behind the mountains,
Illuminating the white clouds.
The air is fresh,
And cold against my skin.
The leaves of the trees
Flutter,
And their deep, green color
Blends with that of the soft grass.
In all of it, one word stands out—
Peace.
The pale blue sky,
The distant mountains,
The melodic songs of the birds,
The beautiful smell of summer—
Peace.
18.
A silent hallway,
The echoes of footsteps,
The shadows of voices.
People walk around me
Engaged in
Life.
And I, lost in an introspective
Field
Of disappointment.
Not with life,
Which has given me friends, family, and love;
Not with God, who gave me life,
But with me.
And the distant echoes
And silvery shadows of both sight and sound
Are emanating from the world
As I find myself lost within this endless
Maze
of Self.
19.
Grant to me Thy lasting peace,
O Father of my heart
And give to me Thy victory—
I choose the better part.
And on through life, though come what may
I’ll ever be Thy son
And walk within Thy chosen way—
Become with Thee as one.
And when these thoughts return again
Of pain and sorrow’s gloom
I’ll open, once again, my soul
That peace may ever bloom.
And from now on I’ll ne’er forget
Thy sacrifice of Love
That conquered flesh, and strife, and doubt
And led my thoughts Above.
20.
In years gone by
I’ve held you here—
Secret of my heart
But now, at last,
In freedom’s breath,
From thee I will depart.
And flying free
Through open skies
Where mercy’s arms extend,
I’ll sing of my Redeemer’s love
From now until the end.
21.
The bright new rays of morning sun
In sweetness reach my eyes,
And lids once closed now softly wake
To watch its early rise.
And warmth of day fights back the night,
And sleepless longings, too;
And rolling fields of endless skies
Have never seemed so blue.
Now slowly as my mind rewinds
And thinks upon the night,
I feel my worries all but gone
Within this new found light
And nothing seems to matter
But the early dawning sun
Whose glorious new brightness
Makes me with Thee, Lord, as One.
22.
Like fire, warm against the night,
It burns within my soul,
Lighting pathways through the dark
And making weak things whole.
Like summer’s rain, it ends the drought
That long had held its place—
Browns and reds are turned to greens
As now He shows His face.
The life and light that emanate
From His abode above
Descend in grace and majesty
To witness of His love
And all the souls who’ll listen now
Will find within their hearts
That God, the Great, the Absolute
E’er comes and ne’er departs.
23.
My pen,
Myself,
And my God.
We three alone know the true meaning of
These words:
Depth
cannot and will
Not
separate me—
I
choose to be
Free.
24.
Lampposts and the feathered flakes
Illuminate the night;
The snow is falling beautifully—
A pure and brilliant white.
Save crunching footsteps o’er the ground
And laughter in the air,
A thickened silence falls around
That ought to mean despair,
But Christmas songs are in my heart
And friends are by my side
And winter’s beauty all about,
So softly I confide
That all I’ve ever wanted
Was a night like one of these
Where fear and doubt are cast away
By love’s sweet melodies.
25.
But what does it mean to live in the moment
When moments are fleeting and futures are bright?
What does it mean to live in the moment
When moment by moment it falls out of sight?
And what does it mean to say “seize the day,”
Like grasping at clouds as they drift through the sky?
And what does it mean to say “seize the day,”
When day by day, the days fly by?
26.
Come to Me, ye heavy laid
Whose strugglings of the heart
Are strapped upon your burdened backs
And spirits drawn apart—
Come to Me, ye laborer,
Your Savior and your Friend,
Whose open arms are waiting you
With love that has no end,
And in your darkest hour
And your greatest time of doubt,
And when the world surrounds you
With trials all about—
Learn of Me, and follow Me
And do your very best—
Take My yoke upon you,
And I will give you rest.
27.
In long-abandoned memories,
‘Cross trails long left untread
Are deep, unanswered questions
Of wand’rings left unlead,
But pond’ring back upon the path
Thy power is perceived
In ways so warm and absolute
One scarce have could believed.
And though the wanderers be many,
As the parting paths are, too
Not one soul of Thy making
Is lost within Thy view,
And each forgotten sparrow
And every fallen dove
Has part in Thy Creation
And part within Thy Love.
28.
Blue is the color that crosses the sky
And green is the one in the trees;
Red is the color of flowers in bloom,
And yellow the stripes on the bees
A year is what happen when Autumn returns,
And Winter, when Autumn gives way,
And hour by hour it’s measured on clocks
That give us the time of the day.
Happiness happens when loved ones draw near
And sadness when good friends depart—
Raindrops for funerals, and roses for love—
These feelings that come from the heart.
These words in a rhythm with meaning combined
All show in a wond’rous array
The power of pens and paper and poems
To wish all the realness away.
29.
Majestic, tall and grand they stand,
The mountains of my dreams
Leaving realness, all that’s bland
And all that simple, seems.
And in their stead, when I awake,
Within my soul I see
That I can more than realness make
And more than realness be.
Yet I shall never walk their slopes
While in this life I dwell,
For they are merely visions, hopes
As passions rise and swell
Juxtaposed eternally—reality and dreams,
One condemned to nothingness—one merely as it seems.
30.
I want to write a poem now,
Expressing how I feel,
But in dismay I’ve come to find
This feeling far too real,
For words are only messengers,
Not essence of my thought—
Though beautiful, the way they sound,
They culminate in naught
And no alliteration,
Nor assonance divine
Envelops in its absolute
This feeling that is mine
And so I sit in emptiness, alone in apathy
Lonely dwelling in this world, this universe of me.
31.
Every time I pause
To think,
I’m
here again,
With this small notebook
And
blue pen,
Scrambling to find the words to
Express the thoughts and
Feelings running
Through my heart and
Mind.
Half the time I fail.
And
I put the notebook
Back
into its place.
And
I put the pen away.
But the thoughts and feelings,
My mind and heart—
They stay
with me,
And won’t
be put down.
32.
The wind is softly soothing,
As is the sound of raindrops
Shattering against the rooftop.
It’s odd—
The power of the storm
To calm.
Losing control,
I abandon my fate to the
Clouds.
Peace, at last.
33.
And then there are those moments
When everything
Seems right.
And your heart swells—
Expanding,
Reaching.
Reaching.
And you find yourself
And God—
Both alive and real.
And that singular word,
Love,
Takes on a new meaning of its own,
And it all means so much
More.
And your heart is at peace.
34.
Let your troubled seethings cease
And let your soul find lasting peace
By casting eyes to look and live
And letting life its answers give.
Walk the calm and gentle way
By giving all the sins away
That bind your worn and weary heart
To cares from which we soon depart
And hear the Master’s soothing voice
That beckons for the quickened choice
To cast your burdens, pains, and strife
To Him who gives Eternal Life
35.
Lost in realms of silent thought,
While roaring thunder burns;
In deed and plot the mind is caught
While soul’s deep thirsting yearns—
Vanity of vanities,
This life is all in vain.
Success has no rewarding
And victory no gain.
Hearts are gazing upwards
For a more substantial power
Than the chasing winds and changing scenes
That meet them every hour.
The sun goes up, and then back down,
And once again at dawn,
A generation passes by,
Their memories now gone.
In sight, they eye’s not satisfied
In sound, the ear not filled.
In taste, tongue hungers yet for more—
Its appetite revealed.
And though countless water’s paths may be,
And endless is their flow,
Yet rivers fail to fill the seas
And oceans fail to grow.
Transients and vagabonds are all we’ll ever be,
Wandering on the waves of time
Through life’s short vanity.
So soul’s deep thirst is yearning still
For something more than this—
The burning sounds of silent thought—
Reality’s abyss.
36.
The dark facades begin to fade
And night time takes their place
Stillness breaks the loud barrage
And ends the endless race.
Faces bleed together
As they finally fall apart
We reach the final moments
While we wait for life to start.
Seconds last a life time
And lifetimes fade away
Weeks and months and years of time
Become a single day.
The transience of life is seen as people come and go
The endings bring beginnings, but are all we ever know.
37.
Silently the night draws on,
I, lying in my bed,
Have sleepless thoughts of miracles
And words He’s often said.
As slowly dreams unfold me
I ponder on the power
He’s often showed to others
In their needing’s greatest hour.
And now my mind has drifted
To a strange and thoughtless sphere
Waiting for the morning’s dawn
To make the darkness clear.
38.
And as it has in days gone by,
So comes the morning’s dawn.
Its beauty clears the troubled mind
And darkness now is gone
The radiance! The glory!
That shadows now are bright!
The wonder and magnificence—
The miracle of light!
And slowly warmth enfolds me
As I ponder on the power
That now is shown to this poor soul
In needing’s greatest hour.
39.
I refuse to be
Inanimate,
Or choiceless.
I refuse to let
Life determine who I
Am.
I refuse to be tossed
In the wind.
I refuse to be a product.
I am my choices,
And I choose the song
I sing.
I will be who I will be,
And not who life tells me
I should.
I’ll stand for something greater;
I’ll be a little more.
Optimism will be my looking glass,
And happiness my manner of traveling.
God will be my guardian.
And I will never, never
Give in.
40.
You know,
I keep trying to,
But the more effort I make
And the more I keep going,
The more I realize a simple fact:
I can’t
write my cares away.
41.
I’m lost in ambiguity.
It’s like being a kite
Tossed to and fro by the wind,
Only this wind is constantly
Changing directions,
And there are no recognizable landmarks below.
And so I’m
Lost.
I need a Savior.
I must have a Savior.
It’s the only way:
I’m lost.
Save me, I pray.
42.
Onward through the shadowlands
And onward through the night—
Onward through the mists and fog—
Onward to the Light.
On through unseen perils
And on to the unknown
Where mystery shrouds the outcome
And ends are yet unshown,
And though it’s in the distance
And past the wakened eye
Time will pass the unforeseen
And bid the past good bye.
And light will be the shadowlands
Once hidden by the shrouds,
And known will by the mysteries
Once shrouded in the clouds.
The majesty of memory
Will bright the conquered night
And looking back upon the past,
All will be in sight.
43.
You know that feeling?—
When your heart sings…
And the beauty,
The bliss
And rapture
Can’t be captured and splattered on a page—
It just exists and is,
To be enjoyed and
Wondered of,
This song of my heart,
The throngs of His Redeeming Love.
44.
I’ll stand before my Savior’s face—
His love’s consuming fire
Brightly burning in His eyes,
His judgment, my desire.
And as the rushing rivers surge,
His voice will sweetly sound
Its delving, deep reverberance
Which shakes the very ground
Will pierce the pulsing, pounding heart
That beats within my chest
And then my knees will surely bow,
His name, my tongue confess.
And hand-in-hand, He’ll raise me up
Again, His eyes to see
And as I gaze, my eyes behold
The love He has for me.
And thoughts of fear and languish,
Sorrow, doubt, despair,
Are swept as sand beneath the wave—
With love they can’t compare
And clothed in robes of lightning,
He thunderously proclaims,
Breaking bands of death and pain—
Victoriously He reigns.
And all who once have parted
Now tearfully unite,
And all whose lives were lost in death
Arise within His sight—
A glorious resurrection,
That long-awaited dawn—
At one, the throngs of humankind
Unite in praise and song—
Victory! Our endless cry,
For gone are death and grave!
Victory! We shout at last,
Redeeming love did save!
And Holy, Holy, Holy
Is our Savior’s blessed name
And Holy is His dwelling place,
And Holy, judgment’s flame.
And here, at last, in wondrous joy
His kingdom now has come—
So hear the Great Jehovah say
“Behold, my work is done.”
45.
In moments small, I did forsake
In little wrath, I hid my face
And now in shame, you hide away
And wait in solace for the day
When all the pain is put at bay—
But silence, silence all your fears
For I have counted all your tears.
And mighty mountains shall depart
And hills shall be removed,
But not the peace that I impart
My love shall here be proved.
Though felt forsaken by the fold
And left to wander in the cold
Alone and waiting, day and night
Thy God and Guardian out of sight
And seized upon by bitter fright,
Yet know that I, your Shepherd dear
Am always there—am always near
And know that mountains will depart
And hills shall be removed
Yet not the peace that I impart,
This love that’s being proved
And though the search may still be long
That keeps you wandering from the throng
Soon, triumphant, we’ll return
That all may see and all may learn
The way I treat the hearts that yearn
And from now on you will proclaim
Your witness, gained in trial’s flame
That mighty mountains did depart
And hills from thence removed,
But not the peace I did impart—
My love has here been proved.
46.
May that pure and simple love
That dwells with Thee in courts above
In grace and mercy condescend
And dwell with me until the end.
And
may fastidious frustrations
In
my faltering faith now flee
And
forever forth in freedom
May
I firmly follow Thee.
And in my soul may sunshine sound
And choirs of angels all around
Echo that atoning verse
That frees me from my nature’s curse
And
let Thy living light, O Lord,
Illuminate
my days,
In
alleviating longings,
It
lastingly allays.
Inerrant, great Immanuel
Has victory over death and Hell
Now may His sinless sacrifice
For all of my mistakes suffice—
How
beautiful on mountain tops,
The
fee that publish peace!
May
I, in Thee, my Lord, abide
That
vexing vice may cease.
47.
Exasperated silence—
That sound
That only its maker can hear
At times it consumes me—
An ambiguous pathos that seems to
Stem from and cause
Nothing—
And that is why it’s so deadly.
Apathy!
Depart from me!
Let me alone
To love life.
48.
Ariel, oh Ariel!
As raindrops from the heavens fell
And blackened clouds moved into place,
So fall the teardrops from my face
And as the leaves fall from the trees
In Autumn’s early morning breeze
So chosen children fall from grace
As graven idols, they embrace.
Ariel, oh Ariel!
How hast thou fallen to this Hell?
A place where light cannot abide,
With ignorance your only guide—
Blinded by your base desires
And burning in your passion’s fires,
There’s never been a greater need
Than now, to hear my voice and heed.
Ariel, oh Ariel!
Alter of Immanuel!
My mighty hand has not been stayed
And even yet, though shalt be saved
For though the leaves tear in the breeze
And rainstorms pelt the barren trees,
Yet all is new in morning’s light
As Condescension breaks the night.
49.
Tangled and
Intricately intertwined
Is this knot of deepest
Emotion.
Entrenched in silence—
Engaged in emptiness.
I keep hoping that as I ignore it,
It will finally fade away.
But as I pace back and forth
Through the corridors of my deepest memory,
Pondering all the while
The question of what to do,
I find no resolution
And it’s getting more difficult to move—
This knot is ever-growing
By its own untangling.
But as long as hope leaves me unabandoned,
Onward I will go.
50.
Thirsty, thirsty, thirsty
I come.
Hungry, hungering—
Hunger burning within.
Where is the Fountain of Living Waters?
Where is the Bread of Life?
Mounting obstacles
Are being allowed to
Block the way.
Who is allowing them?
Where is the part of me that is in control?
How to define the indefinite?
How to comprehend the incomprehensible?
It seems the more I move forward,
The longer I have left to go,
And the brighter the light,
The more pronounced are the
Shadows.
The greater the knowledge,
The greater the unknown.
The more the answers,
The more the questions.
The more I have,
The more I search.
With understanding comes greater
Mystery.
Thirsty, thirsty, thirsty
I remain.
And hunger burns within.
Why do I not want to be at peace?
51.
Love one another
As Jesus loves you
Unless they’re a Muslim,
A heathen, or Jew.
Back to the smiters,
And cheeks turned by,
We battle for doctrine
And tear down the lie.
Onward Christian Soldiers!
Marching out we go
The Bible our battalion
And fallacy our foe
Trampling down the Buddhist,
The Hindu, or the Sikh
Defending grace and love of God
And preaching to be meek.
Teach the truth to everyone,
The truth will set them free,
That they’ll be filled with love and hope,
Like all of us should be.
52.
No explanation
Can work to move
Self-imposed obstacles,
But I’ve found I try anyway.
It’s my little pet-addiction—
Searching for alternative answers
And asking questions best left
Uninquired.
What a can of worms is a question.
Perhaps Pandora’s box is best
Not to peruse…
53.
Lord, I love Thee—Lord, I pray
Be my light of every day.
Take this heart engulfed in strife—
Envelop it in peace and life
Let me now in word and deed
Find Thy lambs to love and feed.
Give me guidance, grace divine
Lead me home and make me Thine.
54.
Give me eyes to see, O Lord,
And ears that I may hear!
Fill my soul with goodness
And heal my heart of fear
Teach me now to live again
And how to heed Thy call
Show me what it means to love
And help me give my all
Lead me to the lost ones
And guide me through the night
Give me power to succor
And let me share Thy light—
Give me eyes to see their sorrows
And a heart that knows their needs—
Give me ears to hear their longings
And hands to heal and feed.
55.
Enslaved in satisfaction’s quest
You never stop, you never rest
The search itself, a paradox—
For what it seeks, it also mocks
And what it has, it never wants
Yet what it finds, it ever flaunts.
But one day you’ll know truth profound—
That happiness is made, not found.
And in that day you’ll finally see
That I have made you to be free—
Not meant to have, but meant to be.
56.
Where time far spent
Has yet to go
And dreams so deep
Have yet to know,
Inner eyes
Have yet to see
What failing souls have yet to be.
An end to this madness of heart, I say!
An end to this ceaseless barrage!
An end to the onslaught of doubt, I pray!
An end to this gross mirage!
Mercy, mercy, mercy
Make me more complete.
Mercy, mercy, mercy,
Make sinning obsolete.
Guidance, grace, oh give to me!
And sin, to strength succumb!
Light, enliven, let me see
What I could yet become.
Where time far spent has yet to go,
Take me on Thy wing
What dreams so deep have yet to know
Teach my heart to sing!
What inner eyes have yet to see,
And failing souls have yet to be,
Oh give me, Lord, in knowing Thee.
57.
Relieve me of this madness
Declare my heart insane
Soothe the deep insanity
And spare me of this pain.
Life was meant for romance—
And love to be believed
But not the disillusionment
In living, I’ve receive
So save me from this nonsense
And let my soul be still
Fin’lly to accept the path
So fated to be real
Deny me of existence
As I truly wished to lieve
And make me something more complete
Than I have yet to give
58.
Truth, in arms of fire, embracing
Relieving from the falsities
That ravage inner sanctities
Upon acceptance, free from facing.
Lies unraveled lay betrayed
Deception callously displayed
A quest for hiding from the sorrow
Fleeing from the bright tomorrow
Pausing only hate to harrow
Wending only wiles to follow
Quelled in quaint and still quiescence—
Free from facing, on acceptance.
Arms of fire now embrace
Revealing clearly: truth is grace.
59.
Moonlight rippling in the air
And starlight in the breeze
Tuffets of the falling snow
Blizzard through the trees
Whither winter wanders
And where the longing ends
Whither silence saunters
And where the waiting wends
Cacophony of brilliance—
The warmth of summer breeze
Carries the symphonic sounds
Of chirping through the trees
60.
Wand’ring where the willow grows
In depths of silence and repose
My beating heart and empty mind
Are searching for what’s left to find
Willow tree, O willow tree
Branches bending in the breeze
Whisping, whispering willow tree
Who hides where none but silence sees
A well-beat path around the wood
Where often, giving all I could,
I sought the beauty of your sight—
The wond’rous willow in the night
But willow tree, O willow tree
Though wandering I’ll ever be
Hiding, hidden willow tree
Your sight, it seems, I’ll never see
Alas, the silence drives me mad
I’ll leave this thing I never had
For it was never meant to be—
To find the hidden willow tree.
61.
How did it happen that I came here?
It matters not.
Listen to the chirping.
Why is it that I’ve resigned myself to sit and wait?
The answer is of little consequence.
Pause to feel the cool quiescence of the breeze.
The sky, a bright blue before me
Gives all the answer I need.
The green leaves
Calmly bask in beauty
Living without pretension
And being without impulse or bombasity
Their beauty is inherent, and their green and their shape
need not reason
To be meaningful.
Ah. So that’s why I’m here.
62.
Melancholy murmurings
Mumbling through my mind
Manifesting maladies
Appearing to be mine
Bursting through the window
And blowing on the breeze
Evening’s mist of memories
Is brimming on the seas
Sitting on the window seal
And pond’ring nature’s pow’r
My mind soon mixes minutes
And I fast know not the hour—
Mumbling, mumbling softly
Through my mind and on the breeze
Melancholy murmurings,
Mists and memories.
63.
Had I left the light on
As I went to sleep last night
Perhaps the ghosts of yesterday
Would still be far from sight
And had I left the light on
As I struggled hard to sleep
Perhaps my heart would still feel hope,
Not darkened by the deep
But last night right at bedtime
I met the depth of night
And as my eyelids fluttered
In the dark, they lost their sight.
Depth of disillusionment!
Dissonance! Despair!
The choice was made, I know not when
To abandon every care
And free from all confinement
But lost and all alone
I soak in the abstraction,
I meditate, alone.
But had I left the light on
As I went to sleep last night
Discordant ghosts of yesterday
Would still be far from sight.
64.
That simple, sickly-sweet surprise
I find when looking in your eyes
Supplies a satisfaction
That only e’er dissatisfies
I never want to see the day
When thoughts of you are gone away
Yet every morning when I wake,
I pray that they’ll be put at bay.
Sordidly seducing me,
These images I ever see
Dancing through my crowded mind
Of me with you, and you with me.
I know not which I want to seek—
To be free, or to be meek,
Wanting what I don’t desire,
I yearn for both, yet both are bleak.
65.
Mirror, mirror on my wall
Make me thin and make me tall
For I don’t want to look within
To find what makes me feel so small
Wretched man, oh wretched man—
That I was, and that I am.
Consumed of sin and base desire
Of lust and greed, of vexing ire.
Mirror, mirror on my wall
Who’s the fairest one of all?
I want to know his name and face
To feel and feed my deep disgrace
Secret, secret untold pain
Not a soul can know its reign
If they knew my wretched truth,
I fear my life would be in vain.
Cursed mirror on my wall,
You never listened to my call
And when I gazed into your depths
I saw myself, my scars and all.
66.
Longing, longing silently—
Everything I’ll never be
Is standing here and haunting me
Manipulating all I see.
Glory, glory hallelujah
I’m shouting at the walls
Tears are rolling down my face—
Man sins, and then he falls
Mourning, mourning wordlessly
As peace again departs from me
A life devoid of clarity
Is all I’ll ever have or be.
67.
In sleep’s soliloquy sublime
I know not fear; I know not time,
For taking refuge in my dreams—
Forbidden thoughts of love divine
Tantalus, I name my heart
For as I reach, the fruits depart
Prometheus, I name my dreams
For punishment of fire’s art
Fervor of this passion deep
Relieves its tensions as I sleep
In these awful, perfect dreams
And when I wake and lose, I weep
Sitting here along your side,
I could not have you if I tried
And only in my desperate dreams
I have you here, so deep inside.
68.
Surrounded in the unforeseen
In fate I will confide
For I have lost my bearings—
The wild winds my guide
And cold, uncaring snow is falling
Breezes through the trees are calling
Footsteps in the dark are winding—
Promises I’ve made are binding
I never planned to be here
Or to have these thoughts I think
I never thought the winds would blow me
To the edge or to the brink
Standing at the cliff side thinking
In depths of contemplation sinking
If I jump, I fear I’ll die
But if I don’t, I’ll never fly
An audience is useless
For the soul that never sings
And wild winds are useless
For the soul that has no wings
69.
The breath of autumn,
Beckoning and bewitching,
Sweetly brimming on the breeze—
The sun begins subtly to set,
Its colors
Brightly boasting,
Boldly bursting
Through the billows
Of bubbling, bulbous clouds
A full moon
Emerges from mountain peaks—
A quiet corollary to crisp coolness permeating the air.
Night is quickly nearing—
Looming, and leering.
Remnant reds from the now sinking sun
Prologue a vista of stars—
A sea of testators
Wordlessly witnessing that there is
More to life than loneliness
And more to living than letting well enough alone
This myriad of mysteries,
Source of splendor for multitudes of malcontents,
Looking-glass to unknown worlds
Regally keeps the night sky
Enraptured in a symphony of lights
Through those deep hours
When weary eyelids long for
Sleep.
All is still, still, still.
And I breathe—
Tasting Autumn’s sweet scent,
And by this knowing ever more surely,
There
is more to breath than air.
70.
Pondering on the evasive nature of my destination
It occurs to me
That I was there all along—
Like the
wind that
Blows in
circles—
Endless
circles,
Never arriving at a certain point.
Or like the rain,
Which falls from the sky only
To return, eventually,
To its origin
And
fall,
Once again.
I,
too, am drifting
Through the vanity
Of life,
Only to return
To my Origin.
Like taking water from the river,
Only to offer it back up again,
Somehow expecting it to be more full—
But
the river is ever full.
So I, offering always that which was never mine,
Like a mirror trying to give light back to the sun,
Have found this a fitting ultimatum:
My only
destination is
Onward, and
upward.
And that Eternity precludes ultimatum.
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