the ramblings of one who ought to be sleeping--also, updates on my life

It's 12:51 am, and I should be sleeping, but I tried and couldn't, and so I thought...hey, haven't blogged in awhile, so why not now?

If you haven't noticed, I go through phases with blogging, where I blog a lot of personal stuff...and then stop...and then blog a lot of thoughts/ideas/research, and then stop. Just an observation.

Ummm...so a little while back a friend posted this link on my Facebook wall to a story about a gay couple getting voted the cutest couple at their high school and commented about how it's proof that the world is getting better. Like two seconds ago my former mission president liked the post... ummm....what is that supposed to mean?

Okay, so I've been in Beijing for the summer doing an internship, and it has been quite the experience. Last time I came to China, as anyone who has followed my blog would know, was a... difficult experience to say the least (notice how the word "experience" lines up on the top and second lines...) (also notice how radically different my writing style is when I'm tired...)  (upon further inspection, it only lines up in the draft, and not the actual post. Y'all missed out on some serious word synchronizing).The first night I was here this time I had this powerful feeling that I was in the right place at the right time, and I feel like that has proven true. Three things that have happened this summer that have been interesting/cool/thought provoking:

1) Wasn't planning on being active in the church this summer, until my housing completely fell through and church was the only place I knew I could go to find a place to stay at the drop of a hat. Ended up meeting my favorite family...like...ever. Seriously. They're so freaking great. And their daughter is SO great. We started dating... JOKES. Still gay. But if I was straight, oh if I was straight... awkward. Ha ha. Anyway, so I came out to her... or rather, she added me as a friend on facebook and found my public blog and then I talked to her about it later, and she is SO liberal on the subject despite being very active. Needless to say, she's become a great friend. I also befriended a few recent converts that are YSA, and it's been really interesting and has given me a new perspective on things with the church. It's reminded me how very deeply I love the church and feel connected to the people and the spirituality involved in it. Still don't think it's what it claims to be. Still have HUGE issues with most of it... but I like the hymns :) And the people. And oh me oh my are there some attractive specimens that find their way into the doors. Again, that's the lack of sleep talking.

2) So two of my fellow interns are gay. They have been great, and the most incredible thing has been to be surrounded by people who do not care one single bit what your sexual orientation may or may not be. It's really opened my eyes to an entire world outside of Utah and outside of Mormonism that is... dare I say it? Better? I kind of almost feel like a refugee of sorts. But it's not in every way. It's definitely less stressful. But it's not home. Gasp. I just realized that pain and stress is an integral part of home! Did I just stumble upon something profound?

3) So I my dearest friend came also to China, but stayed in a different city than myself, and by a freak accident of the sort I tend to label "providence," she ended up living with a gay Mormon who was following my blog. We all met together at a YSA conference and then I went up last weekend to visit the two, and we had a marvelous time. It's been really great getting to know him and seeing yet another gay Mormon perspective. Thoughts: a) I really like to order and number my thoughts. b) coincidences can be incredible things. c) I'm leaning more towards believing that God is somehow involved in all of this. d) assuming God is real, what does he want from me? What, I ask you? WHAT!? e) as a friend once said while under the influence of alcohol at a poolside in Hawaii, "you can't throw a stone without hitting a gay Mormon." Indeed, stones thrown in China could possibly hit either of the two of us. (On an aside, if there are any other gay Mormons in China out there reading this, contact us! Though I doubt it.) It's been interesting getting to know him and learning about his story, and it's taught me that even within the small confines of gay Mormondom, everyone's story is different and equally valid. It also reinforced to me just how wrong the Mormon system of sexuality and dealing with sexual minorities is. Wrong past the point of deserving to be rebelled against.

Dear Mormon System of Sexuality and Dealing with Sexual Minorities:

I rebel against you,

Emphatically,

Me. (feel free to contact me with questions should any arise as to the particular nature of my rebellion)

Hopefully they got the message.

A few more thoughts I've been thinking:

Tonight as I was walking home from a trivia night with friends, it was raining, and my shoes, which had only just dried from the last deluge, once again found themselves becoming soaked with the muddy, disgusting waters that seem to rise in a heartbeat at the slightest threat of rain from the ill-designed and ill-cared for streets of Beijing. I was feeling quite miserable when I suddenly noticed the beauty of the fog and the trees and had a thought occur to me... each moment is filled with reasons to be angry at the world, and each moment is also filled with reasons to be at peace. It's up to me which ones I look at.

Damn you, elusive specter of tranquility, I choose the anger. Wet shoes deserve nothing but fury.

And fury is also deserved by the idiots who thought it was a good idea to not pave the road to my house, leaving me with no choice but to traverse daily through the mud so that I can return to my hovel where I can't even sleep.

Well that was a positive thought turned wrong...

Ha ha. Sometimes I wish I could just record these blog posts instead of writing them so that people could here the voice in my head that comes out as I write... Oh how dearly I hope that sarcasm translates over text.

Another thought. Why do I care? Seriously, though. Why do I insist on caring? Who cares if my shoes are wet or if I have to walk through mud on the way back to my house? Who cares if I'm gay? Who cares if when it comes to the church I'm like a hopeless addict who wants nothing more than to quit but can't control the habits that keep him from descending into an environment that has proved to be little else than harmful to his sanity? And who cares if I'm rambling, exhausted, and ought to be sleeping? I often tell myself that I'd be better off dancing through life as if nothing mattered but knowing nothing matters.

But then a little part of me rebels, and screams out that things do matter, and that I matter, and that life matters. And maybe that's just dear Eckhart's worst enemy, the ego, trying to rob me of my zen paradise where things neither matter nor don't matter, but simply exist in a state beyond descriptions. Or maybe it's "intimations of immortality" whispering to me that I'm from elsewhere and come trailing clouds of glory on my walk through life. Maybe it's the Holy Ghost. Who knows--but it exists and happily plays its role of keeping me from becoming the subject of a Russian novel. 

I'm going to close this most random of posts with one of my favorite quotes of the last few months:

"The bad news is that you're falling through the air with no parachute and nothing to hold on to. The good news is, there is no ground."

Can't remember who said it and I'm not going to bother to look it up.

Now I'm off to sleep...and perchance to dream...