...back to anonymity...

Well, my mom told my dad last night, and then he came out and had a big conversation with me. What you have to know about my dad is that he's not exactly...stable... If I publicly came out online in a way he knew about, it might be a breaking point for him. He basically made it very clear that I'm choosing this, and that if I convinced him otherwise, it meant that the Church wasn't true, his life is a lie, and he may as well kill himself. So, I need to delete references on here to my name. Oh well. His mental health is more important.

After talking with him, I cried for quite awhile. But it was the most peaceful crying I've ever experienced. I'm okay. I really am. I'm at peace with God and with my life. And I'm still optimistic. It's nice to let out all the pent up emotion, though.

Making Sense of the Senseless

A little over a year ago, on December 7, 2011, I was flying home from my mission in Brisbane, Australia. I was so excited to go home and to apply what I had learned on my mission: time management, goal setting, obedience, etc. I knew that I would be happy. I had a friend that had told me she liked me. I was sure we would date, and because we were such good friends, we would probably get married. I was excited for my future.

It didn't take long for reality to come careening in. My first date with my friend didn't last longer than a movie. My projected future was falling apart as I realized I didn't only not have feelings for her, but for any girls at all. I felt distant from God even though I was doing everything I was supposed to. I just didn't know what to do. Life took me in directions I wasn't planning: I decided to get a job in California on a whim, and that led to getting a job in China later in the summer. But throughout it all, the questions were still burning in my mind. And I feel like throughout the whole year, I fluctuated from feeling a constant slight dissonance in the back of my mind to full out discord at the forefront of my heart. And I never really felt at peace or happy with where my life was going.

Those feelings reached an apex when I was in Europe in October. I remember one moment close to the end of my trip when I was thinking about life after the semester ended. I was originally planning on going to Europe closer to graduation, and it was what I had really been looking forward to in college. That was soon to be over. My mission was done with. I had no prospects of relationships with girls, not only in the near future, but ever. I felt only bleakness when I thought about Church. I had no idea what to do, and in that moment I had the heart-sinking realization that everything I had ever looked forward to in my life had already passed, and I was left to deal with that knot of emotion still so deeply entrenched in my heart.

Somewhere in the last seven weeks since getting back from Europe, I found peace. I think it began in the second week from getting back when I first read "Self-Reliance" by Ralph Waldo Emerson. I highly recommend it to everyone. Emerson's main thesis is that we need to be emotionally self reliant and look for truth and integrity within ourselves first before turning to sources outside of ourselves. While I was in Europe, I was extremely depressed. It felt like the days were dragging by slowly, each one taking with it a part of me as it left, draining my emotional energy and my ability to really care about anything.

And I think that one of the most difficult parts of the entire process was making sense of the senseless reality I was facing. I had been taught my whole life that if I did this and that, I would be happy. On my mission I taught the same principles to people; they changed some peoples' lives, and didn't even slightly stir the hearts of others. Our mission president taught us that "true doctrine changes everything." Well it didn't seem to be changing me. It only seemed to be sending me down the lonely rabbit hole of sexual anorexia and the resultant psychological difficulties. It made no sense. I had felt the spirit. I had felt God. Why was none of this clicking?

For me, I finally began to make sense of it when I read this passage from the teachings of the Buddha:

Do not believe anything:
just because it has been handed down for many generations,
just because it is spoken and rumored by many,
just because it is found written in religious books,
just on the authority of your teachers and elders.
Only accept what passes the test
By proving useful and beneficial in your life.

Once a the student of a Zen Buddhist Master asked him what he should do if he met the Buddha walking down the road. The Master replied "kill him."

I don't think he really meant to physically impale him, but more in the vein of Nietzsche when he said "kill your heroes." What the Master was trying to teach his student was that the only true Buddha is within. "Buddha" really just means "enlightened one" or "awakened one." And so when the buddhist teachers say "the Buddha nature is within," what they mean is that the only power that can make sense of the senseless is inside of us. For me, that means the power of self-determination; to realize that I can act for myself and not be acted upon.

One of the paradoxes of Mormonism is that it teaches you to follow your heart only when your heart tells you that what it teaches is true, and then tells you that your heart is lying to you if it says anything else. Positive emotions that confirm what the prophets say are labeled as the Holy Spirit, while positive emotions in any other direction are deviant. I believe that true integrity is found in being true to your own conscience above everything else. And I've found that in the last seven weeks as I've truly placed myself in the driver's seat of my own life, I've found peace and happiness beyond what I've experienced before. Instead of just accepting things as true because people say them, I apply that criterion: to only accept what proves useful and beneficial to my life.

"Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are."
-John Bradshaw

A Fate Worse Than Death

I was planning on writing today about the reasons that I love the Church and the good that I see in it, because I've been kind of negative towards the Church in my last two posts. A conversation I had last night, however, changed my mind. I'm going to save that post for another time. In the mean time, I'm going to discuss what I believe to be one of the most dangerous concepts of Mormonism.

So I was having a conversation last night with two good friends from high school. We were discussing political belief, which led naturally into the territory of homosexuality and the Church. After I brought up the pain that homosexuals experience in the Church and talked about the frequency of suicide, instead of responding with empathy for their plight, one of my friends decided to respond by saying that he believed there were some fates that were worse than death; that it is better to die clean than to live unclean. This concept isn't just something he came up with: it's been taught by prophets and apostles for quite awhile.

"Your virtue is worth more than your life. Please, young folks, preserve your virtue even if you loose your lives."
-David O. McKay

"There is no true Latter-day Saint who would not rather bury a son or daughter than to have him or her lose his or her chastity -- realizing that chastity is of more value than anything else in all the world."
-Heber J. Grant

"Better dead clean, than alive unclean. Many is the faithful Latter-day Saint parent who has sent a on or daughter on a mission or otherwise out into the world with the direction, 'I would rather have you come back home in a pine pox with your virtue than return alive without it.'"
-Bruce R. McConkie

(I wonder which has torn more families apart: sentiments like that in the above quote, or proponents of gay marriage...)

"May I remind you of what our youth repeated some years ago as a slogan in the MIA... How glorious and near to the angels is youth that is clean. This youth has joy unspeakable here and eternal happiness hereafter. Sexual purity is youth's most precious possession. It is the foundation of all righteousness. Better dead clean, than alive unclean."
-Harold B. Lee

I feel that the wrongful nature of these teachings is self-evident. But just in case it's not, let's discuss the consequences.

I feel like I talk about the suicides of gay Mormons almost too frequently. I don't mean to use such traumatic, difficult, and painful events merely as evidence in an argument. And so when I talk about them and other suicides that occur, I want it to be known that I am not using them as a means to an end. My end is not to prove that Church leaders are wrong. My end is to uphold the sanctity and dignity of human life--of their lives. I've mentioned suicides frequently, and I don't just want it to become another talking point--but their lives are the reasons that this teaching is wrong.

As I mentioned in a previous post, in 1982, Kip Eliason committed suicide because he couldn't stop masturbating and his bishop taught that if he was unworthy. It was better to die than to live unworthily, and so Kip took his own life.

In 2003, Deseret News published a study that showed 90% of rapes in Provo, Utah go unreported. Spencer W. Kimball taught that "it is better to die in defending one's virtue than to live having lost it without a struggle." It's because of such teachings that BYU Police Officer Arnie Lemmon explained the startling statistic this way: "most Provo residence are religious and have a tendency to stigmatize discussion of sexual assault and sometimes to demonize the survivor." He said that one rape victim told him "I should have died before I let him do that to me." Another rape victim wrote "I am a perversion to the saints of the church" and said that she wished she were dead (For more information, click here).

Because of examples such as these, I find the "fate worse than death" mentality not simply wrong, but dangerous and destructive. It is disrespectful not only to the people whose lives are at stake because of the teaching, but to their families, friends, and others who love them and value their life. I do not believe that God would rather someone die than masturbate. I do not believe that God would rather someone die than participate in a homosexual relationship. God created us to live, and not only to live, but to live gloriously: to create happiness. Men are that they might have joy, and I find only shame and misery in the belief that it is better to die clean than to live unclean.

And that really begs the ultimate question of what cleanliness even is. I posit that the individual who masturbates at night and loves and serves his neighbor during the day is more clean than the person who has never masturbated, but goes around gossiping, spreading rumors, and refusing to associate with other people because they are less righteous than themselves. True cleanliness is found in integrity to one's own conscience and in displaying true love for others, not conforming to the rules of an institution.

People can squabble and argue all day about which doctrines come from God and which from man. But most everyone will agree that life itself is a gift from God. Let's do what we can to protect it and abandon this dangerous mentality.

"I would rather be whole than be good."
-Carl Jung

Healing the Shame that Binds Us

When I was about sixteen or seventeen, I attended an annual Stake camp for young men preparing for their missions. The whole camp was designed to be like a mission-- you get a companion, you prepare and teach lessons, etc. I was one of two music directors for the camp--the other music director was my companion. I had known him in school for quite a few years, and I found him really attractive. Throughout the camp, I just got so frustrated with myself for not being able to stop thinking about his body. Ironically, the more I wanted to stop thinking about it, the less able I seemed to be.

My deepest secret of "struggling with same gender attraction" led me to the depths of shame. At one of my most painful moments, I wrote this poem:

Mirror, mirror on my wall

Make me thin and make me tall

For I don’t want to look within

To find what makes me feel so small

Wretched man, oh wretched man—

That I was, and that I am.

Consumed of sin and base desire

Of lust and greed, of vexing ire.

Mirror, mirror on my wall

Who’s the fairest one of all?

I want to know his name and face

To feel and feed my deep disgrace

Secret, secret untold pain

Not a soul can know its reign

If they knew my wretched truth,

I fear my life would be in vain.

Cursed mirror on my wall,

You never listened to my call

And when I gazed into your depths

I saw myself, my scars and all.

Lately I've been reading a great book by John Bradshaw called "Healing the Shame that Binds Us." It's about how we are conditioned to feel shame for certain emotions, and the more we feel it, the more we internalize it as a part of our identity (Bradshaw distinguishes between two types of shame--healthy shame and "toxic" shame). As this happens, we believe that we are fundamentally flawed; we believe that there is something wrong with us. That's exactly how I felt at the camp: that there was something wrong with me, and I felt utterly and completely ashamed. I felt like my very nature was wretched. Toxic shame destroys our sense of self, because "as your feelings, needs, and drives are bound by toxic shame, more and more of you is alienated... [and] when one suffers from alienation, it means that one experiences parts of ones self as alien." As you feel contempt for yourself, it makes it so that you cannot share yourself fully with others, and so you feel completely and utterly alone.

It's so relieving to no longer feel ashamed. After accepting that I am attracted to men, and that it's okay, I feel at peace. And I no longer feel guilty for feelings I cannot control. I no longer feel like life is in vain. One thing that I take issue with Church culture is the amount of shaming that takes place. In the 1980s, an LDS Youth named Kip Eliason committed suicide; he felt like he was unworthy to live because he couldn't stop masturbating and was taught by his bishop and others that it was morally wrong. For years in MIA, young men and women would repeat the slogan "it is better to die clean than to live unclean." I think these attitudes are harmful, and I also think that they are changing, which makes me happy.

I hope that each of us can be healed of the shame that binds us. And I don't mean that we can all just do whatever we want whenever we want and feel no guilt--but that we can be guided by the law of love and realize the depth of God's love for each of us. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with who we are.

God created each of us to be something incredible.

"Our little systems have their day;
They have their day and cease to be:
They are but broken lights of thee,
And thou, O Lord, are more than they."

-Alfred, Lord Tennyson, from "In Memorium"

Mormons and Gays: a poorly executed step in the right direction

Like many others, in the days following the Church's release of its new website dealing with same-sex attraction, I received a few different emails and texts from well-meaning friends and family members advising that I take a look. I had already read through it by the time most of them contacted me, but I was grateful for their concern nonetheless. After reading through it, for the first time in my life, I really wanted to just leave the Church. That shocked me a little bit, but it made me reconsider a lot of things. And just in case your wondering, I'm staying for now.

The website, I think, was a poorly executed step in the right direction. Overwhelmingly, the message that was being portrayed was one of love. Because many families still react poorly to family members coming out, I think that this was a great message to encourage. And there was the wonderful step of admitting once and for all that "attraction to those of the same sex... should not be viewed as a disease or illness. We must not judge anyone for the feelings they experience." I was disappointed, however, that the ways the referred to homosexuals, as "individuals with same-sex attraction", still seemed to assume that gay people are experiencing a problem. In reality, the adage that no one should be judged for the feelings they experience is only taken so far. If someone feels that they are happier in a same-sex relationship than living a celibate, albeit faithful lifestyle, then they are living "contrary to the laws of God."

It interests me that the opening paragraphs of the website make it clear that the contents "reflect the sentiments and teachings of the highest church authorities..." instead of making an appeal to the will of God. I agree wholeheartedly--everything within reflects the sentiments of the Church's highest authorities. Where I begin to question is that the "highest authorities" of the Church have been wrong in the past, a stark example being with interracial marriage. Brigham Young taught that if "they [black and white people] mingle seed, it is death to all." Brigham Young further taught that if the Church ever allowed interracial marriage, the priesthood would be taken away from the Church, and that spilling the blood of any who practiced interracial marriage was the only way to gain forgiveness of that sin. Later, during the Civil Rights movement, Church leaders such as J. Reuben Clark and Mark E. Peterson taught that the movement had a singular agenda: that black people wanted absorption into the white race. They taught that this was to be avoided, for, as Mark E. Peterson pointed out (specifically talking about desegregation), "first we pity, then endure, then embrace." Currently, we have embraced interracial marriage (my aunt and her African-American husband were sealed in the temple), and the priesthood seems to still be with us. Church authorities at the time, therefore, were wrong. (Interestingly, one of their reasons for saying that it would lead to the destruction of the human race was the false belief that interracial children could not reproduce. For more information, click here).

I am very grateful for the prophets and apostles, and especially for their testimonies of Christ, but they have been wrong before. And personally, I think they're wrong again. What especially bothers me isn't just their position currently about homosexuality, but the facade they portray of the consistency of Church doctrine over time. On the website, Dallin H. Oaks says that "...the doctrine of the church, that sexual activity should occur between a man and a woman that are married, has not changed and is not changing" (emphasis added). The problem, is that it has changed. It changed in the early days of the church from monogamy to polygamy (and in some cases, polyandry). It changed in 1847 to disallow interracial marriage (before which there were instances of it within the Church). Brigham Young stood before the Utah legislature in 1852 to encourage them to pass a law that not only forbid all sexual activity between persons of two different ethnicities, but also to legalize slavery in the state of Utah (because it was the natural order of things that God had intended for mankind). The law passed. The doctrine again changed following the Manifesto when polygamy was abandoned. It changed again in 1978 when blacks were allowed the priesthood, and interracial marriage was once again allowed. Church Doctrine on nearly all subjects has changed significantly over time.

The fact that apostles and prophets are wrong on some issues does not, to me, diminish their role as special witnesses of Christ. Joseph Smith often reminded the saints that he was not infallible, but often made mistakes and that they should establish their own relationships with God to test the truth of what he taught. A large problem in the modern Church, I think, is that we often put our trust too much in the highest authorities of the Church, and don't question enough whether or not what they are teaching us is actually from God. We seem to think that to "follow the prophet" is the great commandment, instead of, as Christ taught, "to love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, might, mind and strength... and to love thy neighbor as thyself."

Another teaching with which I take issue comes from Jeffery R. Holland and continues in the "God loveth His children" pamphlet, that "you serve yourself poorly when you identify yourself primarily with your sexual feelings." While it is true that sexual identity is far from the only component in anyone's identity, it is also an extremely important one. In fact, the Church teaches that sexuality is a fundamentally important part not only of life, but of the eternities, and thus its emphasis on marriage. It appears that "it is not good for man to be alone" unless he happens to be gay. When one marries and has a family, their family become core parts of their identity, codified in the structure of the heterosexual family. Heterosexuality, according to Church teachings, is not only an important part of ones identity, but core to the very purpose of life. It is unfair (and I believe abusive) to say that the sexual identity of the majority is key to the purpose of life, while the identity of the minority should not even be viewed as a part of their identity (or at least a minor, ignored one).

The new website is a step in the right direction, because "God is love," and its message is generally one of love. But it is poorly executed in that it rhetorically does not live up to parts of its own message, and in that it establishes a false understanding of Church doctrine over time, placing too much emphasis on the authority of man and not enough on the authority of God (who has, to my knowledge, never explicitly revealed His will on the subject)(though, research shows that hundreds of gay Mormons have had spiritual experiences affirming their sexual orientation--including me).

When reading through this website and other materials that the Church has produced, I often find myself asking this question: how much do I value life? I'm sure most everyone who reads this blog is familiar with the suicide statistics. David Phan added his own to the long list of names of gay people in Utah and other areas influenced by Church culture who have lost their will to live due to homophobia and abuse just a few weeks ago. My heart aches for him and for the others whose pain was so great that they choose death. And my heart goes out to anyone now experiencing the depth of loneliness and shame that seems to be ubiquitous among those who "struggle with same-sex attraction" in the Church.

It is because I value life that I have chosen not to be silent on this subject. I do believe that the Church's current policies and practices concerning homosexuality and the culture within Mormondom are largely mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive to believing homosexuals. No one should have to go through life sincerely believing that something so inherent and innate to their being makes them less than anyone else. All is not well in Zion.

Happy Les Miserables Day!!!

Is it bad that I was more excited for Les Miserables than for Christmas itself? Ha ha. But really, I am so excited. We're going at 10 pm... and I can hardly wait.

But Christmas has been really great! I had a wonderful conversation with my Mom, and she seems much more accepting and wanting to understand than she ever has before. We talked for along time about my frustrations with the Church, and she really understood... which, to be honest, was not something I was expecting. It's always great when people are more understanding than you think they will be. And I've found that they usually are. Perhaps it's just the irrational optimist in me, but I can't shake the feeling that everything's going to work out just fine.

I hope that everyone had a very Merry Christmas! I'm a little bit cynical of the history of the holiday and far from criticizing the materialism associated with this time of year, I rejoice in it. What better reason to stimulate the economy than getting nice gifts for each other? But I also love remembering Jesus. I love remembering that God gave His only begotten son, not to condemn the world, but to save us.

And this is one of the many things I love about Christ:

Christ acted, and was not acted upon. Christ influenced, but never gave in to the influences of those around Him. He knew His relationship with His Father, and He spoke boldly. While the scribes and the pharisees would always appeal to the authority of other rabbis and their own interpretations of scripture, Christ would say "verily, verily I say unto you." The truth is most powerful when it comes from within; it has the most influence when it arises from our individual relationships with the Father. And He didn't give us the spirit of fear, but of hope. Because "whosoever believeth in God might with a surety hope for a better world..." So let's keep hoping and never give up!

“My life is not an apology, but a life. It is for itself and not for a spectacle. I much prefer that it should be of a lower strain, so it be genuine and equal, than that it should be glittering and unsteady.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Of Muggles and Mudbloods

While my friends and family were busy being disgusted and frustrated with J.K. Rowling for pushing Dumbledore out of the closet, I was silenty grateful. At the time I was still very ashamed of my attractions for men, and though I felt very guilty for how appealing Dumbledore and Grindelwald's relationship was to me, it felt relieving to have a character I trusted (okay, perhaps fictional characters become a bit too real to me at times) be the same as me. When the topic came up in conversations, I would always argue that far from ruining the character, the knowledge of Dumbledore's sexuality added greatly to his depth. People were often surprised by me, and I went to great lengths to hide my own sexuality and would condemn homosexuality, but point out that Dumbledore never acted on his feelings.

I'm glad those days are over. I love what Marry Griffith, mother of Bobby, a gay man who committed suicide, once said, "I would rather be branded a heretic while helping a child of God out of the gutters of this world, where the church and I have thrown them, than to pass by on the other side muttering under our breath, 'the wages of win are death.'" I no longer believe that LGBT people who have same sex partners are awful, bad people living in sin. As I've ceased muttering of sin and death, I've been able to see the good in these relationships. I recently met with my cousin and his fiancée, another man, and talked with them about their relationship. As my cousin's partner described the pain he had been through in his life and how being with my cousin was the first time he had ever felt loved and had ever been truly happy, tears came to my eyes and I felt that familiar feeling of God in my heart, and I felt deeply that He was here, too, in their supposedly sinful relationship.

I had another moment of tears two days ago, albeit a significantly more silly one. I was watching part one of the Deathly Hallows movie with my family, and there was a part where you see a pamphlet describing the dangers about Mudbloods and the threat they posed to the wizarding world. My thoughts returned to the abolition movement, and the supposed dangers that abolishing slavery posed to the world. And to the women's suffrage movement, and the arguments that their right to vote would put society in danger. And then to the civil rights movement, and how LDS leaders like Mark E. Peterson taught that it was dangerous because ending segregation could lead to an increase of inter racial marriage, which posed a danger to society. And how Ezra Taft Benson decried the dangers of the civil rights movement as part of a communist movement in America. And I remembered how from Hitler and the holocaust to George Q Cannon positing that all homosexuals should be destroyed as to rid the world of their contagion in a generation, justifications of dehumanization and all of the world's worst atrocities have been justified in fear and promulgated in arguments of fictitious harms presented to society because of one group or another. One of the biggest arguments against gay marriage is that same argument. It will destroy the family, and lead to the crumbling of society. It's still a poor argument.

And so yes, I cried over Muggles and Mudbloods.

I'm happy J.K. Rowling brought Dumbledore out of the closet. It was brave of her, and it helped me at the time. I'm at home for Christmas, and I know that I need to come out to my dad soon. I don't know if it will be while I'm here. I've thought of writing a letter instead, because it would be much easier. But I'm grateful that I'm no longer ashamed. That makes a big difference.

(Side note: I don't mean to sound too negative about the church's past, and I want to clarify that while I find our history as a people and as a church extremely important to my own understanding of which parts of the doctrine to accept, I still love the church and find much divinity in its teachings.)

"That which God hath deemed natural..."

This week I read two incredible books-- "Goodbye, I Love You," and "No More Goodbyes," both by Carol Lynn Pearson. To anyone who hasn't read them yet, I highly recommend them. I just finished "Goodbye, I Love You" this morning, and I was sobbing. I had to put the book down and just let myself cry. It was a very emotional experience.

It's been awhile since I last posted, and during that time I've kept reading and kept researching. I actually met with John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories, and talked with him about the research he's doing right now for his PhD on LGBT people within the Mormon community. I've done a lot of pondering and thinking, and I feel like I've reached a conclusion as to where I stand on the issue as a whole. I still have no idea where my life will take me, but I feel more firmly rooted and more at peace than I have in a long, long time. I recognize that my feelings and opinions will still change over time, but I feel like I've finally moved out of the "freak out" stage of just beginning to ask questions.

One moment that really stood out to me in "No More Goodbyes" was when Carol Lynn Pearson talks about a song she wrote for the Primary Children's Songbook. I remember vividly singing "I'll Walk With You" when I was in primary, myself. I remember looking at the picture next to the song of the little girl in a wheelchair and thinking, "no matter what, I'm going to try to love everyone. I will walk and talk with them, even if they're different." That was one of the first times I felt the Spirit and the love of God. It was a powerful experience. And so when I read that sister Pearson wrote that song about gay people in the church,  it was doubly as powerful. I almost started crying.

There is a depth of homophobia that still exists in the Church; if not in its doctrine, then definitely in its culture and practices. There have been far too many suicides and far too many marriages and families destroyed because of ignorance and suffering. I have had dark moments in my life. I remember moments when I believed that I was an abomination for what I was feeling-- and I don't want people to have to feel that way. I'm so grateful that I don't anymore. I'm grateful that God has reaffirmed to me that He loves and accepts me exactly as I am, and that He made me this way for a reason. And so this is where I stand-- against ignorance and in favor of education and empathy. I want more than anything to be there for those who are suffering. I want to live my life as an advocate and resource for people who are ready to give up.

Tonight I watched the movie "Lincoln" for the first time. It was incredible. I can't wait to see it again. There was a moment when a debate is raging in Congress over the passing of the 13th amendment and abolition of slavery when one of the anti-abolition congressmen refers to slavery as "that which God hath deemed natural" and passionately defends the institution, saying it would be an affront to God to end it. My heart started racing, and I saw the connection immediately. As I watched the rest of the movie, I was impressed deeply by the activists, like Thadeus Stevens, who lived passionately and vocally in favor of interracial equality. And I felt deeply that I wanted to follow in their footsteps. Because the conclusion that I have come to is that the world as God intends it to be is a world of unconditional love. And I intend on doing my part to make it that way. Our society has progressed incredibly since the days of Lincoln, but we still have so far to go, and especially when it comes to understanding homosexuality.

And so this is my plan:

I have come out to almost every one that matters to me. I've talked with all of my close friends. Over Thanksgiving I came out to three of my sisters. Last week I came out to another friend, and then just the other night to a roommate. Really the only people left that I want to talk to about it in person are my dad, my younger brother and sister, and the rest of my roommates. And I can do that. After I do, I intend on starting a new blog under my real identity, and sharing my posts on Facebook. I've been annoyed in the past when people have just bluntly come out to the world on Facebook, because I do feel like it's something deeply personal. But lately as I've prayed and pondered, I've felt like it's the right choice for me. Because ultimately, I want to make a difference. I believe that my community and my friends will respond positively, and good will come of it.

But I'm not quite sure on the timeline. I know I need to wait for the right moment to tell my dad. I don't know when that moment will be. So this could happen in a few days, a few weeks, or a few months. But I feel very strongly like it needs to happen. And I'm excited.