"That which God hath deemed natural..."

This week I read two incredible books-- "Goodbye, I Love You," and "No More Goodbyes," both by Carol Lynn Pearson. To anyone who hasn't read them yet, I highly recommend them. I just finished "Goodbye, I Love You" this morning, and I was sobbing. I had to put the book down and just let myself cry. It was a very emotional experience.

It's been awhile since I last posted, and during that time I've kept reading and kept researching. I actually met with John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories, and talked with him about the research he's doing right now for his PhD on LGBT people within the Mormon community. I've done a lot of pondering and thinking, and I feel like I've reached a conclusion as to where I stand on the issue as a whole. I still have no idea where my life will take me, but I feel more firmly rooted and more at peace than I have in a long, long time. I recognize that my feelings and opinions will still change over time, but I feel like I've finally moved out of the "freak out" stage of just beginning to ask questions.

One moment that really stood out to me in "No More Goodbyes" was when Carol Lynn Pearson talks about a song she wrote for the Primary Children's Songbook. I remember vividly singing "I'll Walk With You" when I was in primary, myself. I remember looking at the picture next to the song of the little girl in a wheelchair and thinking, "no matter what, I'm going to try to love everyone. I will walk and talk with them, even if they're different." That was one of the first times I felt the Spirit and the love of God. It was a powerful experience. And so when I read that sister Pearson wrote that song about gay people in the church,  it was doubly as powerful. I almost started crying.

There is a depth of homophobia that still exists in the Church; if not in its doctrine, then definitely in its culture and practices. There have been far too many suicides and far too many marriages and families destroyed because of ignorance and suffering. I have had dark moments in my life. I remember moments when I believed that I was an abomination for what I was feeling-- and I don't want people to have to feel that way. I'm so grateful that I don't anymore. I'm grateful that God has reaffirmed to me that He loves and accepts me exactly as I am, and that He made me this way for a reason. And so this is where I stand-- against ignorance and in favor of education and empathy. I want more than anything to be there for those who are suffering. I want to live my life as an advocate and resource for people who are ready to give up.

Tonight I watched the movie "Lincoln" for the first time. It was incredible. I can't wait to see it again. There was a moment when a debate is raging in Congress over the passing of the 13th amendment and abolition of slavery when one of the anti-abolition congressmen refers to slavery as "that which God hath deemed natural" and passionately defends the institution, saying it would be an affront to God to end it. My heart started racing, and I saw the connection immediately. As I watched the rest of the movie, I was impressed deeply by the activists, like Thadeus Stevens, who lived passionately and vocally in favor of interracial equality. And I felt deeply that I wanted to follow in their footsteps. Because the conclusion that I have come to is that the world as God intends it to be is a world of unconditional love. And I intend on doing my part to make it that way. Our society has progressed incredibly since the days of Lincoln, but we still have so far to go, and especially when it comes to understanding homosexuality.

And so this is my plan:

I have come out to almost every one that matters to me. I've talked with all of my close friends. Over Thanksgiving I came out to three of my sisters. Last week I came out to another friend, and then just the other night to a roommate. Really the only people left that I want to talk to about it in person are my dad, my younger brother and sister, and the rest of my roommates. And I can do that. After I do, I intend on starting a new blog under my real identity, and sharing my posts on Facebook. I've been annoyed in the past when people have just bluntly come out to the world on Facebook, because I do feel like it's something deeply personal. But lately as I've prayed and pondered, I've felt like it's the right choice for me. Because ultimately, I want to make a difference. I believe that my community and my friends will respond positively, and good will come of it.

But I'm not quite sure on the timeline. I know I need to wait for the right moment to tell my dad. I don't know when that moment will be. So this could happen in a few days, a few weeks, or a few months. But I feel very strongly like it needs to happen. And I'm excited.