Some Thoughts on Friendship

Today I talked with a friend that recently returned from her mission (like four days ago), and filled her in on everything that's happened since she left, which has been quite a lot. It sent me thinking about friends and the purpose of friendship and the type of friend that I want to be.

I had a really, really close group of friends throughout high school. I felt like I could talk to them about anything and everything. When I was feeling down or lonely, I would always go to them first. Their letters and encouragement really kept me going through some of the harder moments of my mission. I was so excited to be back with them when I got home. And then... things started to change. As I went through my personal emotional crisis in regards to my sexual orientation, I felt like I couldn't turn to them anymore. Talking to them about it made things awkward, and they seemed to avoid the subject as much as possible. And that really hurt. More than anything, I wished so badly that they would reach out to me and help me. I was in so much pain, and I needed so desperately to talk about what I was experiencing and what I was going through. I almost felt betrayed that the people I had trusted so deeply seemed to suddenly be gone when things got difficult.

Since then, I've made a lot of new friends. One of the very best has been there for me through all of it. She was with me in China when things first started getting bad, and she listened without being judgmental at all. It was such a refreshing difference from my other friends, who all seemed to have the agenda of maintaining the status quo of their understanding of me and of our relationships. I've also been able to talk to two of my roommates in depth about things, and they've been really supportive, and it hasn't changed anything in our friendships.

Through this all, I've learned a lot about friendship and about the type of friend that I want to be to people. I don't blame my old friends too much for the way they acted--they had no idea how to handle the situation (and frankly, neither did I). Though...it would be an untruth to say I wasn't bitter at all. It really felt betraying. But I'm so grateful to those friends who were willing to just listen. And I think that's the mark of a true friend-- someone who's able to listen without judgment and who helps you come to your own conclusions. And I think it's important that listening isn't a passive act--I mean the act of actually trying to understand people, which involves questions and really wondering what the person is feeling and thinking and going through. I think there are few better ways to express love for someone than to wonder. 

And it really hurts when people don't wonder--especially people who care the most. When I've talked to other gay people, for example, there seems to rarely be greater pain in their eyes than when they say their parents don't want to talk about it and just pretend it's not there. We can't pretend away other people's problems. And trying to is selfish. Wondering enough to ask questions and intently listen and trying to understand what people are going through is, in my opinion, one of the greatest ways to show love, and the best way of being a friend to someone who's going through a hard time.