In the last few days I've had lots of really good, deep conversations with friends and family members about pain. I've realized more and more that suffering is universally a part of everyone's lives. No matter how great people's lives seem on the outside, on the inside, suffering is a core part of their being.
If this is true, then what's the point of it all? If God is real, all powerful and all loving, how could he create a world with this much pain? We all have those moments when we pause and feel the reverberations of a nihilistic emptiness pulsing through our bodies--when life feels devoid of meaning and time seems to stand still, almost mocking us by refusing to move forward and past the moment of greatest grief. When I feel completely covered in loneliness I often notice a deep irony. One day I was walking back from campus, and feeling that deep sadness slowly returning, and I looked up to notice the clouds. A setting sun had given them a deep, pink fringe that contrasted so beautifully with the blue sky behind it. I couldn't help but think, how can the world persist in being so beautiful when all my heart seems to persist in is pain?
I've noticed before that the natural world almost can't help but be beautiful. Even the most gnarled trees are beautiful. Even the stormiest skies have a sort of beauty to them. But it's a cold, uncaring beauty. Sometimes I wonder if God isn't like that-- a cold, uncaring being who can't help but be awe-inspiring and beautiful at the same time. But I still really feel and deeply believe that He is something more than that. Somehow, buried behind all of this pain, there is a sort of meaning and purpose.
The true test of life, I think, isn't to eliminate pain, but to find joy in spite of it. And let me be the first one to say that I suck at that. But even though I get caught up in my own frustrations so often, moments of peace and clarity are also there. And there's something transcendent and beautiful in them.
There's so much deep pain among gay members of the Church. There are so many broken hearts that need to be healed. I hope that anyone reading this who's going through a hard time knows that my heart hurts with yours.
I love this. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteSome heavy stuff. I read this great book about this topic called God's Problem. It goes through all the different explanations for suffering in the Bible. The author is a very well-known New Testament scholar. Definitely worthwhile.
ReplyDeleteI've always liked the idea of God that comes out of natural beauty. I feel like it's like dealing with a divinity on a scale so much larger than the one on which we live our life.
Beautiful
ReplyDeleteToday I felt something while I prayed. I didn't feel any answers coming straight from God, only from myself. But if there is something divine, I like the idea of attaching it to the beauty that is found nature's good and bad sides. I struggle to love what I doubt, but I find beauty in everything I see. Really, everything is so beautiful: the earth, the skies, vegetation-in-all-its-forms, ravenous beasts, the human body, humanity, the conflict between socialism and capitalism. Honestly, everything is beautiful. Dissonance is beautiful. Hatred, even, is beautiful in its own, special way. Beauty can be found in good and evil, and the similarities and differences between good and evil.
ReplyDeleteI've found lately that a lot of more mature Mormon testimonies are infused with the idea of paradox being inescapable. I like the paradox I just explained; I hesitate, however, to justify all inconsistencies within my Mormon world as beautiful paradox.
Keep up the great work. I'm not ruling out the existence of the divine, and I'm sure that your efforts at improving your piece of the universe are inherently good.
It reminds me of a quote from Paul Toscano, "The universe is a fugue, even a fugue of fugues."
DeleteBeautiful post. I've read this several times since it was first published. Always seems to help. Thanks.
ReplyDelete