random ramblings followed by a dialogue

When it first began to occur to me that the feelings of attraction I was experiencing were somehow wrong or not in line with what I had been taught, I had a few mixed reactions. The first was a sense of needing to hide it. The second was guilt. But the third was a desire to explore it further. I chose to repress the third and became a master of double think (something I'm starting to think is inherent within Mormon culture). This plays back into what I was talking about on Sunday--the contradictions. I wanted equally for it to stop and for it to continue. Two mutually exclusive truths trying to dwell in the same heart lead for some nasty psychological battles. And it turned me into a liar. I would pray a lie when I asked God to take it away. But I would also be thinking a lie whenever it occurred to me how much I wanted it to stay. In order to say anything in any direction, a part of me had to lie.

I was never very physically active, and so most of the time I would justify away my feelings of attraction for guys as me being jealous. I thought for the longest time that if I just got into shape and lost weight that they would disappear. I was wrong. They didn't.

I remember one day in high school I was sitting in the cafeteria with my friends. There were a group of athletic guys sitting to the right of us, and with them was a German exchange student. I can't remember his name, but I remember how I felt when I looked at him and sat near him. He was very physically attractive, and each day at lunch we would all sit in the same places. It was so distracting, because all I could think about was how angry I was at how I was feeling. I felt like I couldn't think about anything else other than how frustrating it was. The thought occurred to me that I could stop being frustrated by it, and just enjoy it if I wanted to, because it does feel good to be attracted to someone. But then I would be swept up by guilt that I wasn't even trying to be good.

I've always been rather frustrated by the word "perfect." Perfect connotes a single standard of excellence to which everyone must conform. I hate it when church leaders talk about striving for perfection, because it feels like striving to be the same. In Chinese when Christ says "be ye therefore perfect," it's translated as "complete" instead of "perfect." I like that much more. Be ye therefore complete. Be ye therefore finished. But then that begs a question: if I'm not complete yet, then what's missing?

This is the part where the three fragments of myself rise up in battle. The believing Mormon part of me says, "obedience." The non-denominational Christian in me responds, "Christ." And the Daoist, very fittingly, replies, "nothing." 

I just had a fun idea. I'm going to write a dialogue. There will be a Mormon, a non-denominational Christian, and a Zen Buddhist monk. They are going to talk through my philosophical problems for me. 

Dialogue:

Mormon: The solution to any problem can be found in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Christian: I couldn't agree more. Knowing that Christ saved me from my sins brings me peace and freedom to face all of the pain I could ever encounter in this life.

Zen Master: Isn't that tree beautiful?

Mormon: Why yes, it is. But I don't quite see what that had to do with our conversation. We were discussing what a gay Mormon should do. I think that they should follow the gospel of Christ, just like everyone else.

Christian: And I agree, but the more we talk, the more I realize that we're meaning two completely different things by the word "gospel." What do you mean when you say "gospel?"

Mormon: Well, the gospel is the good news that Christ came to the earth, established his church, and atoned for our sins. It is the good news that after centuries of apostasy, his church has been restored to the earth, including the priesthood authority that he gave his apostles. That means that there are prophets and apostles on the earth today, who are the leaders of the church. Because of that, we now have the authority to baptize, give the gift of the Holy Ghost, and administer the sacrament. There are five steps to overcoming our sins through the gospel: having faith in Jesus Christ, repenting, being baptized by immersion for the remission of sins by someone who holds the priesthood, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands, and enduring to the end.

Christian: That sounds like a really complicated gospel.

Mormon: No, it's actually very simple. It can all be summed up in one word: obedience.

Christian: What do you mean by that?

Mormon: Well, Christ completely obeyed the will of the Father by coming down to earth and living a perfectly obedient life and then died for us. He told us the way to overcome our sins (which is really disobedience to God), and that was by being obedient to Him. He said "If you love me, keep my commandments." We obey him by repenting of our disobedience. The way we repent is by confessing our sins to Him, and to other people involved if relevant, and to the Bishop if it's really bad, and then by changing. Really, repentance is just another word for obedience. Like it says in Moroni 8: the remission of sins comes by obedience to the commandments.

Christian: Okay, I'm starting to understand the difference. When I say the word gospel, what I mean was that God saw that there was pain and suffering in the world because of sin, and so God Himself came down to earth and lived as we do. He was God, so he obviously lived a perfect life. In the end, He was crucified for our sins, and He taught that His atonement was a free gift for anyone that would believe in Him. The gospel is really just the good news that Christ has saved us from our sins. It's so simple. He already took the punishment of our disobedience upon Him, and so if we believe in Him, He frees us from the law. He saves us by grace and grace alone, because no one can be saved by their own works. It's all about Gods love for us.

Mormon: Oh, but it's all about God's love for us, too. We're Christians too, you know. 

Christian: The more I talk to you, the less I'm sure of that. I think we believe in two different Christs.

Mormon: What do you mean by that?

Christian: Well, you believe in a Christ that saves you if you obey Him. I believe in a Christ that saves me because He loves me. Anyway, we're getting away from the topic of the conversation, which is about what gay people have to do to be saved.

Mormon: And like I said, they have to follow the gospel just like the rest of us. They, too, can be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel. They need to make covenants with God and keep those covenants. They have to keep the law of chastity. If they happen to find anyone of the opposite gender that they do have feelings for, then they should pursue them and get married. If not, then God will provide a way for them to keep His commandments. He always does. If you fail, it's you failing, not God.

Christian: But Christ has already given us the new covenant! The old covenant was God's covenant with ancient Israel, but Christ fulfilled the law of Moses. The new covenant is to come unto Christ and be saved. I agree that homosexuality is against the law of God, but all of us break the law of God daily. A gay person is saved the same way a straight person is saved: by realizing that they cannot save themselves and relying completely on the grace of Christ.

Mormon: It doesn't seem to me that our Zen Master friend has spoken much. What do you think?

Zen Master: **smiles** I haven't said anything, because I said all I had to say. The trees are very beautiful.

Mormon: But that's not even relevant.

Zen Master: Trees don't have to be relevant to be beautiful. And every tree is different. Look at them. No tree tries to be beautiful. No trees live up to any commandments. They simply are. And each one is beautiful.  

Christian: My Mormon friend and I have talked a lot about salvation. What do you think about the subject?

Zen Master: From what is there to be saved? 

Mormon: Well, sin of course. I mean, we all make mistakes, right?

Zen Master: A tree cannot make a mistake. It simply grows.

Mormon: But I was talking about humans, not trees. And they can definitely make mistakes. I know. 

Zen Master: **smiles** Humans can suffer. And sometimes their suffering leads them to prolong suffering and cause others to suffer.

Christian: Then don't they need to be saved from their suffering, at least?

Zen Master: Perhaps what they need to be saved from most is the concept of salvation.

Mormon: **flabbergasted** But don't Buddhists have their own form of salvation? Enlightenment, right? Nirvana?

Christian: **shocked** How can you say that the concept of salvation is wrong? It's absolutely freeing!

Zen Master: **laughs** Nirvana means "blowing out." Enlightenment is the blowing out of all desires, expectations, and judgments. One cannot achieve enlightenment who desires to be enlightened, because the very desire inhibits them from experiencing it. Salvation is something different entirely. It's the act of another to save you from something from which you cannot save yourself. But in reality, the Buddha nature is within. Buddha simply means "enlightened one." You can take it to mean "freedom." Freedom comes from within. Be free from expectations, judgments, and desires, then you shall know true happiness, true compassion, and true joy. As for homosexuality, there isn't such a thing. Labels are what we use to try to understand reality. But reality is not to be understood, but simply experienced. If one experiences deep compassion and love for someone of the same gender, then to deny that love would be to deny reality.

Christian: I simply cannot accept that, because God is too important to me. I've known the grace of Christ.

Mormon: And I have communicated with God. I know that Christ is my Savior, and I know that the Book of Mormon is true.

Zen Master: And I know the beauty of the trees.

And those are the three voices that battle it out in my mind. I like the Zen Master the best, personally, but I stay tied to the other two perspectives based on what I believe to be revelation.

Well this was an interesting post. It began by rambling and then devolved into a fabricated dialogue. How fun.