Tonight was another fugue.

I went to a friend's house tonight for a little get together. There were a few good friends there that I haven't seen in a long time. We watched one of my favorite movies and had lots of great conversation. There was one point where I was talking to this girl... and I couldn't help thinking... wow, we'd be great together. We've got all of the same interests and passions, and we get along really well. And I started to feel hopeful again that I could be attracted to girls. That I'm attracted to men is unquestionable, but perhaps I could be bisexual.

Later, as we were watching the movie, I was on the couch sandwiched between her and another good friend. I had "liked" the second friend for lots of years in high school (in retrospect it feels like a disingenuous emotional crutch). At one point during the movie, something occurred to me. Until that moment, I hadn't even realized that my arms were touching their arms and that their legs were right up against mine. It didn't feel like anything. It was hardly noticeable. Now contrast this to Halloween night when I was sitting on at the same place on the same couch watching a movie with the same friends, only this time I was sitting next to one of my very attractive guy friends. Every time his leg bumped up against mine, I felt a wave of relief. There was no way I couldn't notice if he, for even a moment, scooted closer to me, or leaned towards me. But with those two girls, it was hardly even noticeable.

Conclusion? None at all. Just observations. During the first half of the evening, when I started thinking that maybe I could like this girl, I had a surge of hope. And as I felt that surge, my thoughts turned to the prophets and to the church, and I could hope it again. I could feel it. Later on as I remembered experiences I'd had sitting next to guys that had been so different, I sunk back into doubt.

But overall, today was a very happy day. And I'm more okay with being gay than I ever have been before. I just don't know what to do with it. One day at a time, I guess.