Something I Wasn't Expecting

Okay, so this one's going to take a little bit of background.

My dad's dad was gay. He and my grandma were separated and got back together something like eight times. And from what my mom has told me, my dad really hated him for it. And his biggest fear was that one of his sons would be gay.

And here I am :)

That's why I've never told him. I only told my mom for the first time a few months ago, and she reacted positively. But I've never told her about my feelings or doubts about the church, because I know that would crush her. The few times she's talked to me about it, she's assured me that God can help us all overcome our challenges. Communication is made increasingly difficult the more I realize that this is a part of myself, and not some disgusting disease.

Tonight something very unexpected happened. I started talking to my parents about the election on Tuesday, and then that naturally turned into a conversation about the moral issues facing our country, and of course the first one mentioned was gay rights. My little sister said something negative about the democrats for supporting gay rights, and I felt a little hurt, but knew that she didn't know any better. And then my dad went off on how legalizing gay marriage would destroy our society. And so I asked him, well, what should a gay person do, then? Live a life of celibacy? And that's when he said something that really shocked me:

"A bullet would do the job... Ha ha. No, but they can be changed. It's hard and expensive, but it can be done."

I stood up, left the house, and drove home. The word "demolished" feels most adequate to describe how I felt. My dad called and apologized, thinking that I had just been offended ideologically. The real reason I left was because I didn't want him to see me cry.

A year ago, that comment wouldn't have bothered me. Denying my feelings to the extreme, I always related to homophobia. But that comment was beyond homophobia. It was absolutely hateful. How can someone who believes themselves to be a disciple of Christ say something like that?

I know I shouldn't let myself get angry. If he knew, he never would have said that. But none of that changes just how much it hurts.

It's hard not to let the emotions cloud logic. I'm not going to make my life choices based on one night of emotional despair. I know that church doctrine and the teachings of prophets have nothing to do with what happened tonight. But hearing things like that makes it so much easier to emotionally justify my doubts.