So today I gave a talk in church. It was on missionary work, and as I was preparing it, all I could think of were my frustrations with the church. I imagined talking about love and using that as a vehicle to express my annoyances. When I got there and was sitting on the stand, I felt really humbled. Looking out at everyone smiling, I realized just how great they all were. I thought to myself, these are not hateful people. I gave my talk, a little differently than I had planned, and I felt the spirit more than I have in a long time.

Back and forth, back and forth. That seems to be all I feel these days, and will probably continue that way until I make a decision.

As I was driving home from giving my talk, which was in my family's stake, I imagined coming out to my roommates and friends, and I felt at peace about it. I'm way too scared to do it yet, and I'm not even sure if it's anything close to the right decision, but it seems to be a thought experiment with positive results.

I've always considered the thought of celibacy for life to be rather depressing. But today I was considering the implications, and realized just how freeing it is to release yourself from the obligation to marry. The possibilities are endless. I could do anything, go anywhere. Oh, then there's the part of doing it all alone...maybe not as freeing as it seems at first thought.

No matter how attractive men might be to me, the thought of being in a relationship with a man never seems completely satisfying. Even repulsive. The thought of a relationship with a woman sounds great. Until I look at one again...and then feel absolutely nothing.

Wanting what I don't desire. It's so confusing and complicated. I want what I don't want but I don't want what I want.

So frustrating.