Why I Keep Going

So far in my very short blogging career I've written a lot about pain and frustration. I've explored the depths of my cognitive dissonance. I've expressed deep doubts about my faith. But I haven't talked much about why it's all worth it to me. Tonight I want to talk about why I keep going.

There was one morning in high school when, as I was driving to school, I was pondering about God and His love. I thought about all of my friends and about my family, and as I got out of my car and began walking to class, I remember looking up at the deep blue of the sky and feeling a deep, real sense of peace. It was an incredible sense of joy. For a moment, I felt lost in God. And it was blissful.

I questioned a lot in middle school and high school. My biggest question was, if God loved me, why did I have so much pain? Why was I so bad? Why couldn't I just be an attractive guy who was attracted to girls? And I did get an answer. It came slowly, piece by piece, but over time it dawned on me that God was drawing me closer to Him through this pain. God is love, and my pain inspired within me an empathy for others, and thus helped me to become more like Him. And it allowed me to find and feel His love for me. I realized that I could have moments of pure joy like the one I described only because of my pain. I felt the depth of the atonement of Christ. I really felt that He became one with me in that act.

In late September I took the picture that's at the top of my blog. I was standing on top of the Swiss alps looking down at lake Geneva. It was another expansive, joyful moment for me. And it reminded me just how big God is and how little I am. It was a moment of peace.

All religions have one thing in common: they're a about abandoning self to a higher power. In those moments where I have escaped myself, I have found so much happiness. And that's why I keep going- because I've felt the joy and love of God, and am subsequently persuaded, deeply, that all pain has meaning and that God is in all things.