Thank you to everyone who has read and commented so far! I was genuinely surprised and pleased by the responses. It does feel so good to know that I'm not alone in this. From what I've read of other people's experiences, loneliness seems to be an inherent part of this issue for most people. Especially before they realize that there's a community of people out there facing the same issues. For me, that realizing moment was when I saw the BYU It Gets Better video. I watched it over and over. I know that lots of people have criticized it for the way it starts and ends. All I can say was that it brought hope and comfort to me at a time when I was rather despairing, and for that I'm very grateful.
In my journals, blog posts, and really even when I just think about it, I often refer to my being attracted to men as "this issue" or "this problem" instead of labeling it as homosexuality, same gender or same sex attraction, or being gay. The reason for this is that I can't think of myself as homosexual or gay without equating it with the words "evil," or "stupid" in my heart, like I mentioned in my first post. I recognize that this is irrational, and I know very well that it makes me neither evil nor stupid. But alas, irrational feelings are still feelings felt, and referring to myself by those words makes me extremely uncomfortable. As for the blessed acronyms that permeate any LDS conversation of the topic (...hoping the sarcasm comes across...), I feel that SSA and SGA are often used conversationally in the same ways people refer to diseases and disorders, as something that someone most unfortunately "has" or "struggles with" instead of a part of who they are. Those really are the only two verbs people usually use with those phrases. I also feel like these terms are an excuse to avoid the negative connotations associated with gay and homosexual. Caveat: I don't mean to criticize other peoples' use of the terms so much as express why they make me feel uncomfortable. And so I'm semantically trapped between an inconvenient truth and a misrepresentation. I settle for just saying that I'm attracted to men, and subsequently referring to it in veiled and unspecific terms.
I'm really excited at the prospects of continuing this blog and writing through everything I think about. I plan on posting regularly, and everyone is more than welcome to post comments and questions and engage in dialogue. Again, it just feels so good to know that I'm not alone. Thank you for that.
I've been to my bishop a few times in the last few months as I've been struggling with my faith. Recently he told me that he's been looking for different ways to help me stop having "those attractions." He was rather shocked when I told him there was nothing that would get rid of them because they are a part of who I am. I've eventually stopped going to him because his attitude and approach just isn't working. This kind of thinking is so much a part of the Mormon mindset, and that's why coming to terms with one's homosexuality is such a difficult process.
ReplyDeleteI had almost the same experience last night when I talked to my friend. He was in shock that I didn't think they would ever go away. It's really hard for people who have never gone through it to understand, I think. And I can sympathize, because I have a difficulty understanding why any man wouldn't feel attracted to other men.
DeleteAnd I think what makes it the most difficult is the degree of silence that surrounds the issue. It's not something people want to talk about. It's uncomfortable. People think it's weird. And that really hurts.
I'm planning on doing a post soon about how different priesthood leaders have reacted when I've talked to them about it, and I'm excited to talk more about the issue.
I'm in the exact same boat. Honestly, i dont know what to call myself. SSA, SGA, etc makes it seem like i have a disease. Gay carries too much sexual connotation. I've seen other posts of people who have said the same thing. It seems like they end up deciding on one or the other. Either they commit to "gay" and live it, or they commit to "SGA" and try to cure it. I know its probably out of necessity of grammar, but still....
ReplyDeleteAs an individual who "has" OGA, I think homosexual is another interesting word. I recently had a professor at BYU who believed that the use of the word denoted something that is active homosexually. I find that definition pretty abusive, since grammatically it leads people to resort to terms like SGA or SSA. But then, even if sexual activity were not implied by the word homosexual, it is still a very broad word, not distinguishing between gay and lesbian. Gay and lesbian, however, are dangerous in their own right, because they also have an obvious and perhaps stronger connotation of activity, which as we are currently seeing is harder for some people to accept than desire.
DeleteOh, I should also note that while "gay" and "lesbian" suffer from being counterparts of the word "straight," which carries obvious connotations of superiority, "homosexual" has the advantage of being the counterpart of "heterosexual," which might more easily lose any connotations of superiority. So, if we have to choose between "gay" and "homosexual" as a term to push forward the cause (think Black, Negro, African American), it might be better to go with "homosexual" and to push "gay" later in order to rid it of its unfortunate connotation of inferiority.
DeleteI have been told all my life that I think differently from most people, but they like how I think. I take lots of photos from different perspectives, but people like those photos. I write a bit differently from most people. I've been told various times that how I think, a picture I took, or something I wrote blessed someone that day due to a challenge they were having. It made me realized that I do those things a bit differently because I am gay. That led me to realize that being gay is a blessing for which I should give thanks. I have tried since then to remember to give thanks in prayer each day for being gay. It is a part of who I am, but it is not the only thing that defines me. Each person's journey is unique to them and can't be rushed. Best wishes as you continue on your journey.
ReplyDeleteGreat comment! I really enjoy the works of Oscar Wilde, whose works, I believe, obviously obtain value from his homosexuality.
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